Shy or just reserved?

There he stood, leaning against a tree. He watched the other boys playing but didn’t approach them. I knew he wanted to, but he still held back and watched. Ea he hung out in the pool alone while the other boys dove off the diving board. It wasn’t fear of the diving board that kept Jase away. It was the awkward shyness of not knowing how to join his friend who is playing with other boys he doesn’t know or doesn’t know well.

This was the scene recently at a birthday pool party that Jase, Lexie and I attended. It was a joint celebration for Jase’s friend Aidan and for Aidan’s sister, Morgan, who is Lexie’s friend. While Lexie had no problem running off with some girls, it was Jase I knew who might struggle at the party.

Last year, his best friend Noah also came to the party, so he was fine that Aidan was hanging with his cousins who Jase doesn’t know. However, this year Noah didn’t make it to the party. This left Jase feeling very left out. I encouraged him to join the other boys who I am sure were not excluding him on purpose.

But this reserved boy has always been a worrier. He is more likely to sit back and observe before joining in. He is hesitant to join a big group and does better with one-on-one interactions in small groups. He is me.

I remember these feelings and problems from my own childhood. Even as an adult I sometimes struggle with feeling like I fit in. But even though I know what he is going through, I don’t know what to tell him to make it better. Maybe he just has to find his own way.

Three years ago, I wrote about Jase being shy and a worrier. I had hoped he would grow out of it. But it doesn’t look like that has happened.

But the funny thing is that he isn’t consistent with his shyness. He has performed in the school talent show. His teacher told me he was always participating in class and even about him dancing in front of his classmates. Of course, this was at the February parent-teacher conference, and maybe that is him half the year to feel comfortable to do those things.

At the recent pool party, he spent the first hour and a half either by himself or watching the other boys. I don’t know what happened but then all of a sudden he was with the group doing crazy dives off the diving board. I saw him talking to a boy he didn’t know and popping balloons with him. Suddenly, he was fitting in and not ready to leave when the party was over.

Maybe this is just how Jase is. Maybe he needs that time to access a situation before joining in.

2 thoughts on “Shy or just reserved?

  1. Winnie says:

    Hi Susan,
    I read your August 7, 2017 ” Shy or just reserved?” article. I have the same feeling as your. My daughter has the same situation as your son Jase. I only have one daughter. She has couple of best girl friends from daycare, but in same school; however, she seems has trouble to play with them all together in a party. She feels sad if she was playing with A, then A suddenly went to B. She doesn’t know what to do next and she feels left out and hiding at a corner and sad. I told her since both of them are best friends, you can join in B with A. It takes a while, then they play together again. She is good to play with one friend at a time. I don’t know what should I do. she always complains she has no friend at school. I am not a socialized person. I have to push myself to make friend with my daughter parents so I can set up play-date for her. When she is home. She speaks loud and dance. I don’t know is this a process for certain reserved kids to grow? Am I worried to much?

    • I am totally with you on this. I never know if this is something to be concerned about or if it is just a natural part of childhood. Jase is starting a new school in a few weeks so I am concerned since his best friend isn’t going to the same school. I am just hoping he feels he is fitting in. It might be a rough couple of weeks. Or I could be totally wrong and worried for nothing. Sigh. I guess I will try to keep my worrying to myself so he doesn’t have any added pressure.

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